Blog

By: Katrin Steinert

There are many hurdles and hardships that the LGBTQ community face. Internalized homophobia is defined as the involuntary belief by gay people that the misconceptions, myths, and stereotypes about being gay are true. Internalized homophobia can be subtle, for example a gay man may act very masculine to hide the fact that they are gay. Another way internalized homophobia may manifest in a LGBTQ person may be discomfort in socializing with others in the community for fear of being “outed.” The idea would be to pass as a straight person to avoid criticism or discomfort they feel for being a part of the community.

The anxiety and shame of not accepting who you are may cause some interpersonal issues. By internalizing the negative stereotypes in the context of intimate relationships one is likely to decrease the quality of satisfaction in relationships. To avoid negative feelings about self, one may avoid deep or intimate relationships. Internalized homophobia can be deep rooted and may take a long time to reverse. With the help of allies and support from all communities there is hope that one day internalized homophobia will a concept of the past.

By: Eric Kruse

Everyone experiences shame. The less we talk about it, the more it grows inside of us. Typically, we learn it from our parents, peers in school, and social norms. It impacts our self-worth and our ability to connect with others. Brené Brown studied shame, worthiness, and vulnerability for over a decade. I have compiled several quotes from Brené that I believe everyone should read. I encourage you to read through these quotes, read through my thoughts about these quotes, and think about how these quotes apply to your own life and your own experience of shame.
 
Brené Quote 1: “We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous.”
 
Shame is effective for behavior modification because it stuns someone and forces to them reflect inward. People avoid feeling shame. Thus, if someone shames you for your behavior, there is a good chance that you may not repeat that behavior. The problem with using shame in this way is that it has catastrophic side effects, such as damaging one’s self-worth. Shame and guilt are different. Guilt is “I did something bad.” Shame is “I am bad.” People who experience high levels of shame are less likely to feel like they belong in society and more likely to socially isolate and experience depression. A better way to keep people “in line” is to help them understand the consequences of their behaviors and how that impacts themselves and others. Inspire them to be better rather than stunning them with a shame grenade.

Brené Quote 2: “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable… Shame unravels connection. Shame is the fear of disconnection… The less you talk about it, the more you have it”
 
We live in a society where people project the best version of themselves. We hide our faults out of fear of embarrassment. Unfortunately, the more we hide the parts of ourselves we don’t like or the parts we are ashamed of, the bigger our shame gets. You can bury it and pretend its not there, but it won’t go away. You cannot selectively numb parts of yourself. If you numb your shame, you will also numb part of your joy. The only way to reduce shame is through talking about it. You will feel more like your authentic self and have an easier time connecting with others.

Brené Quote 3: “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

Finding the right person to talk to about your shame is difficult. It is an act of vulnerability and courage. If you talk about your shame and you receive more shame as a response, it wont help. However, if you are received with empathy and understanding, then it will alleviate part of your suffering. A good place to get empathy and understanding is from a professional counselor who can help you work through it. In addition, remember that everyone has shame, so if you someone talks to you about their shame, meet them with empathy and understanding.

Brené Quote 4: “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
 
This quote speaks to the most important part of self-acceptance. We all have faults and that does NOT mean that there is something wrong with us or that we are unworthy of love and acceptance. Life is a struggle and we are equipped to handle the struggle. Sometimes we fail at things, but that does not mean we are a failure. Sometimes we hurt our loved ones, but that does not mean we are bad people. We all belong in this society. None of us are perfect. The sooner your realize that, the sooner you can start being the person you were meant to be: your authentic self.
 
If you have not seen Brené Brown’s talk on “Listening to Shame,” I highly encourage you do so. Here is the link: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
 
If you need some additional coaching on empathy, here is a cute cartoon that Brené Brown did on empathy: https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

By: Eric Kruse

What is impulsiveness?
Impulsiveness is when you do something without any forethought, reflection, or consideration of the consequences. It can be unnecessarily risky and associated with undesirable, rather than desirable, outcomes. Examples of impulsive behavior are excessive spending, substance use, sex, fighting with others, and self-harm.

Emotional states are often the catalyst for impulsive behavior. For example, have you ever said something to someone that you regretted because you were in a bad mood? In that moment you were probably not considering how what you said may impact the other person or how it would impact you once you realized how it impacted the other person. If this is something you struggle with, the following are some steps you can learn to get your impulses under control.

Step 1: Understand how your impulsiveness functions
Everyone’s impulsive behavior is different, which is why it is important for you to understand how your impulsive behavior manifests. You need to uncover the early warning signs, identify the emotions that trigger your impulsive urges, and learn to identify the thoughts and feelings as they are happening in the moment. 

Focus on the thoughts, emotions, urges, and physiological sensations you are experiencing in your body and explore that. Name it in your mind. For instance, “I am noticing a hot sensation across my body, here is the anger that makes me want to criticize my partner” or “I am noticing my heart racing, here is the anxiety that makes me want to drink alcohol.” Writing in a journal and talking it through with a therapist is a great way to gain awareness into this process. Its not easy at first and you may not notice your impulsiveness until after you are impulsive. It’s an ongoing practice.

Step 2: Interrupt the Impulse
Sometimes you can setup conditions that make acting on the impulse harder or you can condition yourself to follow certain steps before you allow your self to act. The following are some examples of impulse interruption:

• If you notice your body is getting hot and that you are feeling angry, you can step away from the situation and write down your thoughts and feelings before you choose to return to the situation and respond.
• If you struggle with alcohol abuse, you can get rid of all the alcohol in your place of residence so that it is not readily available.
• If you struggle with spending impulsively, you can force yourself to wait 48 hours before you make any purchases and run your thoughts about the purchase by a loved one who has better spending habits than you.

Step 3: Challenge Negative thoughts and Take Action
Once you understand how your impulsiveness functions and you implement your impulse interrupters, its time to challenge your negative thoughts and take action. For example, let’s say you notice you are feeling anxious and have you the urge to drink alcohol to self-medicate your anxiety. You labeled the thoughts in your mind by saying, “I am noticing my heart racing, here is the anxiety that makes me want to drink alcohol.” You removed the alcohol from your place of residence, but now you are noticing that you are motivated to go out and buy more. You notice a negative inner dialogue about being a failure and how nothing matters so you should just drink.

It’s time to challenge those negative thoughts by saying, “I am not a failure. Things matter. This anxiety will pass. I am going to tolerate this feeling until it passes. Alcohol will make things worse in the long run, remember the negative consequences it has caused in the past. Temporary relief will be followed by an increase in future suffering.” After you challenge your negative thoughts, its time to take action. Go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Call a friend. Engage in physical exercise. Eat something healthy. Drink a relaxing tea. Take a hot shower or bath. Get creative. 

By: Ranjita Rao

I hear so many people tell me about their lack of quality sleep nowadays. Whether it be stress, anxiety, or too much time sitting in front of a computer screen, there are many different factors that contribute not only to your ability to fall asleep, but also to the quality of sleep that you actually get. Lack of sleep can increase your risk of obesity by 15%, your risk of cardiovascular disease, and your risk of mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression. Being awake for twenty hours or more has a comparable effect on your brain as being intoxicated. Here are some easy things you can start doing to not only get yourself to sleep, but also to improve the quality of sleep you’re getting!
 
Exercise. Getting exercise is one of the best ways to promote continuous sleep. If you find that getting to sleep is harder when you exercise later in the day, make sure you exercise before 3pm.
 
Avoid screen time. Make it a rule to avoid any screen time at least an hour before bedtime. Research shows that the blue light from phones, computers, and even TVs interferes with falling asleep and makes it harder to get into quality REM sleep.
 
Separate work and sleep areas. Avoid doing any work in bed. This even includes checking emails or making phone calls. Our brain makes associations between doing work and our environment, so reserve your bed for sleeping and relaxing.
 
Journal/Meditate. Journaling and meditating are great ways to unwind from your day and bring yourself into the “here and now”. While trying to fall asleep, your mind can be plagued with incessant thoughts. Getting these thoughts out of your mind through journaling, and following this up with some quiet reflection or meditation, is a great way to slow yourself down and help ease yourself into a restful night.

By: Eric Kruse

Legalization
Right now, 33 states have legalized medical marijuana, while 10 have legalized recreational marijuana. Advocates for legalization believe that legalizing the drug may reduce use and make its use safer. Critics argue that legalization will make marijuana more easily accessible, which will result in increased use, misuse, and abuse.

It’s too early to say whether legalization has resulted in increased marijuana use and research on the topic is inconsistent. The RAND corporation found a correlation between legalization, increased marijuana use, and increased dependence. However, Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health found increased use of marijuana, but lower rates of marijuana dependence.

Marijuana vs Alcohol
              Alcohol has been legal in all 50 states since the end of prohibition in 1933. Effects of alcohol on public health and safety are arguably more dangerous than marijuana. For example, liver damage, fatal care crashes, and anger outbursts that could lead to violent behaviors. Marijuana use is not harmless though. Daily marijuana abuse can increase depression and anxiety.

Marijuana and Depression
              Although marijuana is legal for medicinal purposes in 33 states, this system tends to get abused. Patients are prescribed marijuana for medical conditions that marijuana is not meant to treat, such as depression. Many patients claim that medical marijuana alleviates their depression and those who use it recreationally often use it for mood enhancement.

However, daily abuse of marijuana over time can increase depression. This is because your body builds a tolerance to any substance that you use daily. The stronger your tolerance gets, the less mood enhancement effect you will receive from the drug.

Furthermore, marijuana affects the processing of emotions. Researchers at Colorado State University conducted a 2-year study and found that marijuana users may have a reduced ability to implicitly identify emotions and to empathize on a deeper emotional level. Emotional connection and empathy play a vital role in cultivating meaningful relationships. Marijuana can impair these processes, which could result in increased social isolation. Furthermore, social isolation maintains depression and is a catalyst to increased depression.

Marijuana is a “Manageable” Addiction
              From a harm reduction standpoint, Marijuana is one of, if not the least harmful mind-altering substance one can be addicted to. Due to its less overtly harmful nature, it tends to be more “manageable” when compared to other addictions. For example, alcohol abusers will “blackout” and hurt themselves or others. Marijuana users eat too much food and go to bed. Unfortunately, it is still harmful in its own way. It distorts how we view ourselves, others, and the world around us. It can make us withdraw socially. It can make us feel apathetic, unmotivated, and depressed. Days turn into months, months turn into years, and we end up watching our life pass us by as we sit in a cloud of smoke.

Getting Help
              Marijuana addiction can be different to other substance addictions since it is lower on the totem pole for risky behaviors. Finding a recovery meeting tailored specifically to marijuana, such as Marijuana Anonymous can be beneficial for those who struggle with relating to harder drug addictions (meeting directory: https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/find-a-meeting/).

             If one-to-one support is your method of preference, counseling is a good approach. A therapist can help guide you through the early stages of sobriety.  

By: Katrin Steinert

Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT is an evidence-based treatment that was created by Marsha Linehan in the 1980s. DBT was originally created to treat highly acute borderline personality disorder. Linehan based DBT after having worked as a CBT therapist but realized that CBT was missing one key component; acceptance.

Dialect
The D in DBT stands for dialectical. The definition of a dialect is two seemingly opposite truths that exist at the same time. A good example of a dialect is I love you and I hate you. The world is full of dialects and DBT encourages the acceptance of living in the dialectic. 

Mindfulness
The cornerstone of DBT is mindfulness. According to Linehan, without the practice of mindfulness it would be nearly impossible to recognize and describe emotions that are coming up when high stress situations occur. Being mindful can be done in many ways including mindful walking, mindful driving or mindful eating. These are daily activities that most people engage in and by practicing them mindfully will create more insight into feelings and experiences that are coming up in the body.

By: Eric Kruse

If your family dinners are anything like mine, then you are probably used to individuals speaking over one another. You must fight to have your voice heard and there is no space to reflect before responding or else your voice will be lost. The result is that conversation is watered down and less meaningful than it could be if people slowed down, reflected, and took time to process how to respond. The following are different approaches you can use to respond in your next conversation. Make it meaningful, there is nothing wrong with a long pause as you process how to respond. As Buddha said, “If you propose to speak always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.”  

Ways to Respond in Conversation
Advice (fix it)
Advice is when you give guidance on how someone should proceed in a situation or how you may proceed if you were in the same situation. You offer solutions to a problem by going into fix it mode. This is the probably the most common type of response that individuals offer in Western society. There is a time and place for advice, but often it is not the best way to build connection. There are more effective ways to show someone that you care about what they are saying.

Challenge (new perspective) –
When we listen to others speak, we often consider different perspectives that the speaker has not considered. This is when we challenge them to consider an alternative view. Challenging someone or being challenged by someone is how we grow and change. However, it is also not the most effective tool to build connection. Sometimes people want to be listened to and heard, and not challenged.  

Validate
Validation is when you demonstrate support for someone’s view or feeling. You say, “I understand what you are saying” or “It’s understandable that you feel that way.” It normalizes their experience and demonstrates that you are listening.

Empathize
Empathy is the strongest tool for emotional connection. Empathy is about putting yourself into someone else’s shoes and feeling the emotions they are feeling in that moment. Examples of empathic statements are “that sounds like it must have been very difficult for you” or “I don’t know what to say right now, but I am glad that you told me, and I am glad that we are talking about it.” Empathy is an advanced form of emotional connection and if you are not accustomed to using it, it will take some practice. A great prompt for empathizing is: “The part of your story that felt like it was happening to me was [Fill in a part of their story that was impactful to you, using their words, don’t talk about yourself].”

Ask the Speaker what they Need
Next time you have a conversation with someone, I encourage you to take a moment to slow down. Ask the speaker what type of response they need from you. Ask them if they are looking for advice, validation, empathy, or if they are looking for a new perspective (challenge). Many misunderstandings stem from the listener responding in way that the speaker was not looking for when they decided to share part of themselves with you. Ask them what they need and take a moment to reflect before you respond.   

By: Eric Kruse

“Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch, or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter.”        
Lemony Snicket

Lately I have heard many people talk about betrayal and how they are making the choice to never trust again. I understand where they are coming from. They have been hurt in the past and they are choosing self-preservation at the cost of cultivating deeper relationships. As the age old saying goes, fool me once… However, this is sad to me because I believe that those who choose not to trust are missing out on the opportunity to have something beautiful in their lives. The following are my thoughts about how to build trust.

Trust People to be Themselves
If you have been hurt in a relationship before, you probably are wary about opening yourself up again. You may be one of those individuals who says, “I tired building trust with others and then I got cheated on so…” or “trust isn’t worth giving to anyone honestly.” I would challenge these people to consider the ways they trust others in small ways in their life every day. For example, you trust your doctor/hair stylist/dentist/ will be in when you show up for your appointment. You trust that your parents will be annoying at thanksgiving. You trust that your teacher will administer an exam when its scheduled. You trust that your friend who forgets to shower may smell when you hang out. If you are starting to see a theme in the examples here, then you may begin to understand my point. People do as they do. There are patterns in their behavior that are consistent so you place faith in the probability that it will continue (with exceptions of course). Sometimes people try to change bad behaviors and if they fail at it, don’t take it personally. You can trust that quitting bad habits is a hard thing to do and that people falter at it along thee way.  

Surround Yourself with People who have Similar Values
Since people do as they do and you can trust them to do as they do, then pick someone with similar values to your own. For example, if you value honesty, integrity, and monogamy, then find someone who also values it. Talk about your values with this person and see if they also feel strongly about it. You may start to get a sense of whether you can place trust in this individual. If they live by their principals in the same way that you do, then you are less likely to get hurt. Unfortunately, there are deceptive people out there (The Betrayers) who can fool you. If you place your trust in someone and they betray you, then you have been “covered in sap” on your way up the tree in pursuit of the “wonderful view,” but that does not mean you should “spend your time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter” (see quote at the top). Furthermore, sometimes people who are trust worthy make a terrible mistake and it’s worth trying to rebuild that trust with them. This is where therapy can help.  

By: Katrin Steinert

Freud’s personality theory saw the psyche in three parts; the id, ego and superego, which develop during different stages of the life cycle. According to Freud, the id is the primitive and instinctual part of the mind. The id contains the sexual and aggressive drives and hidden memories. The superego operates as the moral conscience and the ego is the realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the superego. The three parts work together to create human behavior. Freud believed that in order to become a healthy person, the ego should be the strongest element. When the ego is the strongest out of the three, it can satisfy the need of the id, not upset the superego and still take into consideration the reality of every situation. 
 
3 ways to strengthen your ego:
 

• Acceptance: Start by accepting something small. It can either be accepting the rain, that person who cut you off in traffic or forgetting to take the trash out.
  
• Adjusting expectations: Every unrealistic expectation we create sets us up for disappointment. By adjusting what the expectations are regarding us and other people in our lives it lower our frustrations when expectations aren’t met.
  
• Consciously raising our frustrations and stress tolerance level: The strength of your self develops by framing things in empowering meanings. Positive framing and reframing allows us to take a new view of things, which then effects how we actually feel about things. In this way, framing and reframing things can enhance our ego-strength to face, cope with, and even master the challenges of life.
  

By: Eric Kruse 

A Thanksgiving Exercise to do with Family and Friends

We all take things for granted. It’s easy for us to forget about the things in our life that we are lucky to have. For example, if you are able-bodied, you probably forget to be grateful for you ability to walk. Often, we take our relationships for granted. We forget to tell our family, friends, and loved ones how much we appreciate them. Thanksgiving is the perfect opportunity to tell your loved ones how much you appreciate them, and you can do it with the following exercise that I call The Gratitude Hot Seat.
Setup
Add an empty chair to the thanksgiving dinner table. This will be the Gratitude Hot Seat.
Exercise
Each person at thanksgiving table will take turns sitting in the gratitude hotseat. The person sitting in the gratitude hot seat will listen to the others express what they appreciate about them. Going around the table, every person takes a turn saying what they appreciate about the person in the hot seat. 
Conclusion
I came up with this exercise for a thanksgiving dinner with my family a few years ago. I learned things about my family that I had not considered before. It’s amazing what happens at a family dinner when only one person speaks at a time and the focus of the dinner is about expressing what you appreciate about one another.