Blog

By: Ranjita Rao

In therapy sessions, I have often heard many teenagers say something along these lines—“My parents don’t get it. They told me to just suck it up and get over it”. While the intentions may be good and these parents believe that they are helping these teens deal with the realities of life, these teens end up not feeling truly heard. Validating your child’s feeling can oftentimes be an extremely powerful and positive experience for both you and your child.

For example, if your child comes to you and tells you he/she got into an argument with their friend at school, you may want to say something like “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll blow over by tomorrow”, but first, take a pause and reflect on what your child just told you and how they are feeling. Changing the language to something more like “Oh my goodness, I understand how awful this must be for you, would you like to talk more about it?” will let your child know that you are actually listening to what they are saying and that you understand just how painful this is for them and are interested in talking to them more about the subject if they need. This language allows you to come from a “judgment free” space, and will open up an avenue for better communication. When your child feels that you do not understand their feelings, it becomes less likely that they will open up and delve into deeper conversation.

Next time your child comes to you and shares something personal, give this a try—you will probably be amazed at what conversations could open up for the two of you and the trust that is built in the process.

By: Ranjita Rao

Adolescence is always a confusing time – add in the challenge of navigating new experiences, the modern pressures of social media, and heightened competition for colleges, and it’s no wonder so many teens feel nervous, overwhelmed and anxious. How do you help your teen when you see them struggling with anxiety?
 
Normalize and validate their anxiety. Anxiety is completely normal. Let your child know that everyone experiences anxiety at some point in their life. Also, let them know that their anxiety can be overcome, and that by learning coping skills, they can learn to manage their anxiety in the future as well.  
 
Engage in Mindfulness. Did you know that studies have shown that mindfulness has similar effects on the brain as exercise? Educate your child about the benefits of mindfulness exercises and encourage them to try them out. With apps like Headspace and Insight Timer, it’s easier than ever to get started with mindfulness practice.
 
Avoid pressuring your teen. Your teen needs to be able to go at their own pace. Overcoming anxiety does not happen overnight. Avoid comments such as “just snap out of it already” and questions like “you’re still worried about that?”  Instead, ask your teen how they’re feeling and provide encouraging responses that validate their experiences.
 
Know when to seek help from a mental health professional. If your child is in distress or if their anxiety is keeping them from doing day-to-day activities, it may be time to seek professional help. Professionals can help your teen talk through and process their anxious feelings. By providing coping skills and resources to manage anxiety more effectively, a professional can be a very beneficial for your anxious teen.

By Rachel Thomasian
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For over a decade, I have been helping children overcome worry, anxiety and fears. When my son developed his own fear of “a green guy in his room at night” I knew I had to arm him with the arsenal I had created over the years.
 
The first thing I want parents to know about bedtime anxiety in preschool-aged children is that some degree of it is completely normal and, in fact, developmentally appropriate. At this age, children’s imaginations are running wild. We encourage this behavior by asking them to play pretend and reading them fairytales because we’re working to foster their creative, cognitive, problem-solving and social skills. When we couple that with the development of an increased sense of danger around this age, children naturally start thinking about the possibility of bad guys and monsters. Additionally, at this age, children are taking greater leaps away from their parents. As they enter preschool or naturally engage in more independent activities, they may start to realize how big and scary the world might be and how vulnerable the world is. All of this can combine into the perfect storm of bedtime worry.
 
As a mom, I can understand the need to protect our children and the discomfort we feel when our children experience any kind of discomfort or pain. As a therapist, I know the importance of adversity and the growth and strength that come from working through a problem. So this issue of bedtime worry often becomes one of the first encounters of a problem a child has that their parents cannot simply solve for them, but instead can help the child learn ways to cope with the problem.  We can’t make the monsters go away, we have to teach our children ways to protect themselves from the monsters.
 
I’m going to start with what not to do: Don’t tell your child that they’re big brave kid who shouldn’t be worried. All this does is give them another thing to worry about, the fact that they are not as brave as you think they are.
 
The second thing you should not say is: “Monsters aren’t real”. The same strong imagination that allows your kid to believe in Santa or Mickey Mouse as a real entity is the same mechanism in play that makes monsters very real to your child. You have to get on their level if you’re going to start to help. By validating their fears “I know that must feel so scary” you can make a connection that will help your child feel less alone and more able to trust that you can help.
 
So now we start with what is helpful to a child in this developmental stage, and that is the same thing that created the problem in the first place: their imagination. I like to help kids imagine a superhero that will protect them from the green guy, we’ll draw it and talk about their super powers, and now the superhero becomes just as powerful as the monster in their world view. Another protective tactic is to line up stuffed animals as a line of defense. I always arm these children with “no monster spray” (a spray bottle with some magic water). We talk about how spraying this magic potion while we say “go away monster” makes it impossible for a monster to enter our room.
 
I like to share some of my favorite books about the topic with kids experiencing night time worry. These are a combination of stories to help a child feel not alone in their experience as well as books that teach simple yet effective coping skills. Links to some of my favorites are below. 
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Typically, it takes a few nights to a few weeks of practicing these rituals to create such a sense of safety that a child will no longer be bothered by their bedtime fears, so much so that not only do they no longer need the ritual but they forget about the fear altogether. When this anxiety persists or consumes a lot of your child’s day, a great child therapist can be really helpful in working through this problem in a safe and efficient way through play therapy, usually on a short term basis.  

Please note these are affiliate links and PVC will receive a small commission from your purchase at no additional cost to you. 

By: Eric Kruse

​Just like the most loaded questions with complex answers, the simple answer to this question is “yes and no” or “it depends.” Let’s start with why video games are stigmatized and how they can be unhealthy and then we will circle back around to the benefits of gaming.
Sitting for Extended Periods of Time
First, when you play video games you are sitting in a chair and staring at a screen. Doing this for extended periods takes its toll on your physical health. Furthermore, majority of individuals have jobs where they sit and stare at screens. Students sit at desks at stare at their laptops. Sitting for long durations contributes to lumbar and hip pain. It is important for us to get up and exercise, which is why there is a huge market for standing desks. Gaming is time consuming. There is a finite number of hours in the day and many of our daily activities involve sitting for extended periods of time (work, school, transportation, etc.). To make this problem even worse, time flies when you are having fun and a three-hour gaming session feels more like fifteen minutes.
Instant Gratification and Dopamine Abuse
Video games are an audio and visual explosion on your senses. Everything that happens in a game taps into the reward center of your brain. Gaming hits this reward center at faster rate and frequency than the average activity in everyday life, which is why gamers play for extended periods of time. It feels good. The downside is that it makes real life feel less stimulating and exciting. Reality hits the reward center at a slower rate. Thus, gamers feel less motivated to accomplish goals in real life and more motivated to achieve goals in gaming.  They prioritize gaming over workplace or academic accomplishment. Activities outside of gaming feel dreadfully slow and unfulfilling. Real life accomplishments don’t trigger bright colored animations and cool sound effects.
Benefits of Gaming
Video games are very challenging. They increase hand eye coordination, problem solving skills, and spatial reasoning skills. Many games require the user to solve complicated puzzles and navigate complex menus for resource management.  Timing and precision are integral components of being successful. These tasks require active engagement and focus, which exercises the brain in a positive way.
Community
Gaming can promote a sense of community. Sometimes these communities are toxic, but other times they are supportive. Gamer’s should seek out the latter. Many gamers suffer from social anxiety, which is why they hide behind their screens and play games alone. However, there a massive world of online gaming that can help with social anxiety. Fore example, twitch streaming has become incredibly popular over the years. Many gamers who suffer from social anxiety have stepped out of their comfort zone by broadcasting their gameplay while being filmed with a webcam. They essentially put on a live show for people, which is a form of exposure to their fears. Negative attention is a concern here, but gamers have the power to ban people from their channel who are not being supportive to the type of environment they are trying to promote. Gamers suffering from social anxiety should not stop there though. They should also expose themselves in face-to-face interactions with others in order to continue working on their social anxiety. A great way to do this is by meeting up with people to play board games in-person.
Putting It All Together
Gaming has a lot of benefits. However, time disappears while gaming because it is overly stimulating. Balance is the key here. If you are noticing that real life is starting to feel less meaningful than your gaming habit, then you may want to decrease the amount of time that you play video games to boost the pleasure you get out of non-gaming life. In addition, real life responsibilities should never take a back seat to your gaming habit. Make sure you are living a balanced life and be mindful of potential side effects from over indulging in gaming (i.e., feeling fatigued, depressed, anxious, unfilled, etc.). Furthermore, because gaming is not a physical activity (unless your playing virtual reality while standing up and swinging your arms around) it is essential that you have an exercise routine in your schedule (at least 30 minutes 3x per week, I suggest more than that).  Set a time limit to your gaming sessions and pay close attention to how you feel after you log off. 

​It is no doubt that becoming a first time mom or dad is HARD WORK! There are so many changes occurring with your routine, your sleeping, your body and often your relationship with your partner. Adding a new member to the family is quite amazing, but this wonderful new transition can also be an extremely tough one. With so many changes, it can be so hard to focus on yourself and your own care, let alone your marriage or partnership with your significant other.
 
I hear from a lot of couples that with the new addition to their family also came a bit of a separation in connection, time spent together, and intimacy. It is true that a new baby around sometimes means less sleep, less time together, and less sex. It can be hard for couples to find a balance that feels good and also honors the relationship in a way both partners would like. This balance is by no means easy to strike, but is important to pay attention to when wanting to keep your relationship with your partner strong and united.
 
With less free time overall and more time focused on the baby, I like to say that quality of time with your partner easier to accomplish over quantity. After the baby goes to sleep, maybe cuddling or a foot rub brings you two together for a few minutes. A dessert after dinner with your spouse can be a time to focus on each other and take a break from the stress of a new baby and all the responsibilities that come along with it. When possible, take the time to get dressed up and go out together. As hard as it may be to find the time and the sitter, dressing up and looking good can make you feel good, and feel sexy, for you and your partner. Even if it can’t be a night out together, having conversations about your child, your future with them and as parents, and sharing your hopes and dreams for your new baby can bring you two together and make you feel like connected partners and parents.
 
If you are a parent struggling to strike a balance and feel disconnected with your partner, coming to couples therapy can be a positive and safe place to process your relationship, as well as all the stress that comes along with being a new mom or dad. It also provides another hour of the week where couples can sit down, be together and share their heart with the other. Connection is key, and couples therapy can provide this connection that can sometimes feel lost when new baby arrives.

​I hear from many parents who want their young children to come into therapy. As a therapist, I think it is so important for children to have a place where they feel safe and can express thoughts and feelings when they want to, and have a person that is consistent in their life. In my opinion, that last piece alone is invaluable and positive. When young children come into therapy, they are not able to sit in a chair as an adult would and express what is on their mind/ how they are feeling about certain things. I work with many children around the ages of 6-10, and kids that age often do not have the language to explain all that is going on for them inside.
 
As parents, it is easy to think they do since we hear them talk about or say adult-like comments or share an insightful thought that seems beyond their years, however when it comes to emotions and how to handle them, they are developmentally unable to put into words all they are experiencing as we as adults are able to do. In my experience working with parents, I think this can be hard for some to understand. Many parents want their 7-year-old to come in and talk about all the anxiety and anger that they are experiencing and want me to teach them coping skills to deal with them in a few sessions, and hope their kids are able to soak it in and apply these to their life right away.
 
I wish it were that simple. Play therapy is a process that first requires a strong rapport and relationship between client and therapist. Kids need to feel that the play therapy room is a safe place for them, and they need to feel it is their space, and that not everything they say will be disclosed to their parents. I always encourage parents to refrain from asking their kids “How did the session go? What did you do?” When children want to share they will, and often do so, when not asked. Kids talk through their play- this is how they express and show us their inner world and experiences. The therapist is able to observe their play and become a part of this inner world by joining in with them. Once a strong relationship is formed, kids are able to show (through play) what their experiences are like and how it makes them feel. As a therapist, it is my job to keep the space safe, and to help manage these feelings and thoughts when they are expressed. The relationship between client and therapist is what holds so much weight, and allows for the important work to be done.
 
Play therapy is a process that I see as positive and worth the while. As human beings, we like to see results fast, and can get anxious when we don’t see growth or progression. Therapy with children can definitely test this patience, as relationships and rapport can take time to build. Once these relationships are established, it can be an amazing experience for your child, and one that I feel honored to give kids who come into my office. 

By Ranjita Rao

​Anyone who is successful in some aspect of their lives will tell you how self- esteem and confidence played an important role in their success. Self-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves, and is something that we develop early on and carry throughout our lives. Unfortunately, many of us struggle with low self-esteem, and this can negatively impact several parts of our life.

​Why is it so important for children to develop self- esteem? As children, much of our self-esteem is formed through the ways in which other people (parents, peers, teachers) interact with us, talk to us, and behave around us. Children with high self- esteem can thrive in any environment—they carry positive feelings like self- acceptance and self- confidence in tasks they perform, they are more likely to try new challenges, and they are better adapted to cope with mistakes and continue to persevere. Children with low self-esteem, in contrast, feel unsure about themselves and their capabilities, may avoid new tasks, give up easily, and find it more challenging to bounce back from mistakes. If your child’s self-esteem is low, all hope is not lost. There are ways to help improve your child’s self- esteem and raise their confidence.

 How do you help nurture our child’s self- esteem? Children ultimately want to feel capable, effective, and accepted, and you can help foster this through encouragement and support. Here are some things you can do:
 
Teach them how to do things.
Many parents believe that it is easier to just do things for their child. Yet, when we teach our children how to do things for themselves, they learn autonomy. Even if they make mistakes along the way, they will feel proud of their work when they master the task.
Praise your child, but avoid over-praising.
 It is important to praise your child on their efforts rather than their fixed qualities. It is also important for the praise to feel “earned”.  For example, if your child’s team lost in a basketball game, and they do not feel that it was their best effort, it isn’t helpful to tell them that they “played a great game,” because it won’t be taken as genuine.  Instead, a statement like “I know that wasn’t your best game, but we all have our off days, and I’m proud of you for not giving up,” is much more powerful.
Focus on their strengths and ban criticism.
Nurture your child’s strengths and avoid using harsh criticism while speaking to them. Replacing statements such as “You’re so lazy!” with “You do such a great job on your chores when you give it your all” shows the child that you value their strengths. Not only will the child feel better about themselves, but they will also be more motivated to complete their tasks.

By Valentina Setteducate

​When we are little kids, we look up to our parents for everything. Not only do we depend on them to meet our basic needs, but we tend to idealize them and see them as perfect and never failing. When we are little, it seems as if our parents always have the answer, or always know what to do to make things better. In most cases, they are there to fix things for us and protect us when needed, they are our “go-to's” for all the things we need solved in the world.
 
For the first eighteen –or-so years of our lives, they have a lot of power and say. They often support us financially and emotionally, care for us, drive us around, set the rules for us and look out for our well-being. They serve a very active and functional part in our lives, and we feel their presence. However as we grow older and move into adulthood ourselves, an interesting shift can happen in our relationship with our parents. Instead of these perfect beings that know how to do everything, we begin to recognize in our parents their own flaws, shortcomings, and insecurities. Rationally maybe we always knew these existed, but with our own development we can start to recognize that perhaps our parents were not always what we needed them to be, and were not always able to meet our needs, despite their best efforts to do so.
 
Often this realization can be very painful, as there can be wounds present from breaches we have had with our parents. Acknowledging our hurt can perhaps bring about feelings like anger and sadness, or maybe even guilt for having these thoughts about our parents, who have done a lot for us in most cases. Although we cannot right our parent’s wrongs, or make them understand the ways they may have hurt us in the past; we can learn to heal and see them and love them for the flawed human beings they are. Through this process of healing, we can become more aware of our own needs and in turn learn more about our parents, where they came from, and how they have come to be the people that they are.  

By Eric Kruse

​Marijuana is arguably one of the least harmful mind-altering substances. The debate over the severity of harmfulness is controversial. Many would argue that marijuana is less harmful than alcohol, which has been a socially acceptable substance throughout most of American history, except for the period of prohibition.

However, marijuana is not harmless, especially regarding the developing brain. During childhood, the brain is larger. It prunes itself back during adolescence to streamline the thinking process. The teenage years are our last golden opportunity to make the brain as healthy as a smart as possible. Clouding the mind with marijuana during this time can lead to cognitive decline. Studies have shown an 8-point decline in IQ for adults who used marijuana regularly as teenagers. This cognitive decline does not appear to be present in individuals who begin using marijuana later in adulthood.

It is believed that this has to do with the prefrontal cortex not being full developed until the age of 25. Thus, the earlier the age of onset of marijuana use and the increased frequency and amount of the use leads impacts the severity of cognitive decline in processes performed by the pre-frontal cortex, such as executive functions, attention, and memory. Examples of executive functions are organizing, prioritizing, regulating alertness, adjusting processing speed, modulating emotions, managing frustration, holding on and working with information, retrieving memories, and monitoring and regulating one’s actions.

Marijuana does not appear to have catastrophic consequences on these processes for an adult, once the pre-frontal cortex has had time to fully develop. Thus, marijuana should not be demonized as a horrible substance or portrayed as “the devil’s lettuce.” It does not make people go mad, as depicted in the 1939 propaganda film “Reefer Madness.” The harmful consequences are much subtler and covert, which is why 60% of teenagers believe it to be safe.

Many adolescents and adults choose to use marijuana because it cultivates divergent thinking (free-flowing, spontaneous, and creative thought). It appears to induce a state of hyper-priming, which extends outwards to distantly related concepts. For example, someone hears “dog” and thinks of nouns that, in a more sober circumstance, would seem to have nothing in common with a dog. This can be very helpful for creative tasks. However, obviously, you don’t want too much hyper-priming, or else everything seems connected and the web of associations becomes a source of delusions.

With marijuana laws becoming more and more laxed across the United States, it is important that teenagers understand the possible consequences of using marijuana during their adolescent years, especially if they are using it regularly. Marijuana is not a horrible drug, but it is also not harmless and teens should be mindful the impact it has on their adolescent brain development. 

Being a parent has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. No matter how many books you read or how much you do to prepare for having a child and being a parent, nothing can quite prepare you enough for the real deal. Every child is unique and has different needs, and every child goes through different stages in their lives that require different styles of communication and parenting. One of the stages found by many parents to be a more difficult time is adolescence.  When your kids are younger, you are helping them do most things. They need help eating, getting dressed, brushing their teeth, getting to school, doing their homework, the list goes on. However, as your kids begin to grow up, they gain more independence and not only want to do more things on their own- but are now able to. For many parents, this can feel weird and scary. “But they need my help!” parents say, “They can’t do it alone!” Learning how to navigate these unchartered waters as a parent can be a challenging time. 
 
As an adolescent, kids are able to think for themselves and may have opinions that begin to differ from your own. They make decisions that are bothersome to you, or that you may disagree with. This is a common experience of parents with adolescents. No parent enjoys fighting or arguing with their child, but it happens often and is inevitable at times. The question then becomes- how can I effectively communicate with my children about the things we aren’t agreeing about in an effective way? As an adolescent, it can be hard to recognize that the world doesn’t revolve around you, or that things don’t always go as planned. Beginning to realize this may not be pleasant for your child. Instead of getting angry or trying to teach them a lesson, it can be helpful to use these moments of frustration as an opportunity to let your child know that you're there for them. You can always extend the olive branch, even though it may not be reached for immediately. Teens may not want to talk about everything all of the time- and that’s okay! Think about yourself as a young teen and all the things you didn’t want to talk to your parents about. Your child may be the same. However, reminding them that when and if they do want to talk, that you are there for them, can go very far. Your child is going to make mistakes and not get it all right one hundred percent of the time. Your “parent alarm” does not have to go off at every wrong turn. Use these moments to communicate openly and honestly with your teen. It is important not to shame them in these instances, but instead continue to let them know that they are loved despite their mistakes. As human beings that is what we all crave- to be loved despite the things that we don’t always do right. Your adolescent is no different.