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Shame Vs. Guilt

11/5/2019

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By: Stella Michon
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How to tell the difference so you can move towards more self-esteem  

Shame and guilt often get used synonymously as we talk about our struggles. Although both shame and guilt have the potential to be destructive in people’s lives, drawing the distinction between them can be a powerful tool to move past self-deprecation and into self worth. 

So, how can you spot the difference and why is it so important? 

Guilt: Brené Brown defines guilt as “I did something bad”. She explains that “Guilt is a focus on behavior”, it allows us to reflect upon our actions so we can move forward in alignment with our values. Making mistakes that result in guilt provides the opportunity to check in and make different choices in the future. 

The key with guilt is that it often involves something we have the ability to change. For example, if I tell a lie to a loved one when I am committed to the value of honesty, I feel pretty crummy as a result (guilt). In this situation there is something I can do! I can go back to this person and make a repair. There is a step I can take. 

Esteemed psychotherapist, Esther Perel, provides another way to understand guilt. She states, “Guilt is conscious” and “Shame is hiding”.  It is important to stay connected to our inner voice that guides us towards right/wrong. I often explain to clients that guilt might sound like the internal voice that says, “That doesn’t feel like me”, “I think I can do better next time”.

Shame: Brené defines shame, as “I am something bad”. Shame is the belief that something is deeply wrong or inherently bad within you. It’s the belief that something that’s part of your essence is flawed. It is toxic and leads people deeper into symptoms of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Shame often develops from the cultural, societal, historical and familial systems we exist within. Dominant discourses around how we “should” lead our lives, or what makes us worthy of love and acceptance. These messages get reinforced with media portrayals of beauty, success, sexual and gender identity, love and partnership, etc. 

The problem with shame is that it often isn’t something we have the ability to change while remaining authentic to ourselves. This issue comes up with many of my clients who struggle with self-esteem regarding physical appearance, beauty or body image. For example, if I see countless images of thin and photo-shopped models promoting diet products, I can feel crappy (shame). I can feel like my body and appearance is bad or not good enough. In this situation there isn’t much we can do (or should feel expected to do) in order to change our appearance. Although there are steps we can take to make these changes, they don’t often lead to a decrease in shame over time. Your body and appearance are good enough and worthy of appreciation as is. 

Put it into practice: How to start checking in with your value system and stop shame from eroding your sense of self-worth. 

When you are experiencing an emotion that feels like it could be shame OR guilt try to see where guilt ends and shame begins. 
Step 1: Make a list of the top 5-10 values that are important to you. I recommend looking up Brené Browns list of values if you are having trouble. 
Step 2: Are you feeling guilt based on an action or choice you made? Does this feel out of alignment with the value list you made? If not, this may be a sign that shame is present. 
Step 3: If it’s guilt: how can you learn from your choice? Go make a repair with someone, move forward with a new understanding, or journal about the incident that brought you here. 
If it’s shame: practice self-acceptance and gratitude. Is there a small part of yourself that you can hold appreciation around? Think of how would you talk to your best friend in this moment and do the same for yourself. 

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IMPROVE the Moment

10/22/2019

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By: Katrin Steinert
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“When life throws you lemons make lemonade” but how do we do that? A lot of our instincts when something does not go correctly is to react impulsively with strong emotions. Some situations require us to react emotionally and some require more of our rational brain. In order to help calm our emotional reactions we can employ a skill called IMPROVE. 

Imagery: Transports your mind to a space that makes you feel calm and serene. Visualize imagery that helps soothe your sense and relaxes your muscle’s. Some examples could be your favorite childhood space, beach or even your own room. 

Meaning: Find meaning in a distressing situation can help shift the perspective. By tapping into your values, it will help see the silver lining in a situation that may otherwise feel meaningless. 

Prayer: Prayer does not have to have a religious connotation. The meaning of prayer is connecting with something that is greater than yourself. By focusing on a mantra, image or song can create a sense of peace in the moment. 

Relaxation: Focusing on relaxing the tension in muscles can reduce the pressure build of distress. By reducing the tension in your muscles will help elevate emotional pain. 

One thing at a time: Being mindful is focusing on one task or thought at a time. This can be a powerful tool to slow down the thoughts and worries that are popping up. By letting go of the future worry will allow space to focus on the moment. 

Vacation: Vacation does not mean take an actual trip. A vacation is a brief respite from the monotony of daily life. An example of a vacation can be taking a different walking route, meeting friends or exploring a new part the city you live in. 

Encouragement: Words are very powerful and that includes the words we tell ourselves. By practicing positive self-talk and self-encouragement can help give us the boost we need to take a distressing moment.

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Coloring is Not Just for Kids

10/1/2019

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By: Katrin Steinert
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Color is not just for kids anymore. There has been an explosion of coloring books in the last few years. There are funny coloring books, intricate coloring books and even inappropriate coloring books. What is the reason? Coloring is proving to help when we feel highly anxious.
 
There are many benefits to coloring including feeling calmer, mentally clear and some even say happier. By engaging in coloring, it helps focus the brain similarly to mediation. People who have depression have found that by partaking in craft hobbies and art it has significantly decreased their depression. There are numerous studies that show by coloring it decreases symptoms in anxiety, depression and even PTSD.
 
Another benefit of coloring is if it is done before bedtime, it will help you sleep. By focusing on the coloring, it eases the mind of thoughts of the day and helps anxious sleepers fall asleep.
 
Coloring can also be a social activity by inviting others to come over and have coloring parties. Just like everything, there are phone apps for coloring if you need to color on the go. Some of the more popular ones include Color Mandala and Stress Relief Coloring for Adults. 
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Walking the Middle Path

9/24/2019

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By: Katrin Steinert
Walking the middle path is a dialectical behavior therapy skill developed to help people bridge the gap in communicating with others. Walking the middle path replaces the “either-or” thinking with “both-and” thinking. We often make up ours mind and become concrete in our thinking. By only viewing a decision through one lens, we hinder our relationships with other by not being able to validate their experience. It is natural to think that we are right, and they are wrong in arguments.

In a dialectical approach there is appreciation for that there is always more than one way to view something. When we expand our lens, we are able to see each perspective as an opinion rather than an absolute truth. When we walk the middle line, we leave room for compromise. By creating compromise, we validate our own feelings and those of another, which creates a harmonious balance.
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History of DBT

9/17/2019

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By: Katrin Steinert
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DBT stands for Dialectal Behavior Therapy and was created in the 1990s by Marsha Linehan. Linehan was inspired to create DBT after she worked with chronically suicidal and borderline personality disordered patients. She recognized that having a one-way conversation with patients who suffer from chronic mental illnesses was not working.
 
In creating DBT she took principles from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and interjected eastern philosophies to her approach. DBT is comprised of four modules which include mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance. Each module is then broken down into easy applicable skills to help clients regulate their emotions. By creating these modules, Linehan hoped to create tools for clients who were suffering from lack of confidence and unable to think positively through their treatment.
 
In creating the dialect of acceptance and change, Linehan hoped to create enough space for the patients to see that their situations were not always hopeless and there was a life worth living. Today, DBT is not only effective with patients who suffer from borderline personality disorder but for an array of diagnoses. 
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Is it the Journey or the Destination?

9/10/2019

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By: Eric Kruse
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Many people are familiar with Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” It’s a quote that inspires people to enjoy the present moment and avoid the pitfalls of becoming overly focused on the future. A predominant approach in mental and physical health is mindfulness and meditation, a focus on the here and now. If you spend too much time worrying about the future and not enjoying the present, then you should focus on the journey, not the destination. However, if you feel stuck in the present, then maybe some focus on a destination can bring you some relief.

An Argument to be made for the Destination
Destination focus can be a positive coping mechanism when used it the right way. The following are some examples of healthy destination focus:

  • Planning a vacation and looking forward to that vacation as a coping mechanism for stress.
  • Tolerating uncomfortable emotions knowing that emotions are temporary, and they will eventually pass.
  • Looking forward to something at the end of your workday or the end of your workweek to help you tolerate the stress of your job.
  • Exposing yourself to anxiety inducing situations in order to reduce future anxiety.
  • Pushing yourself through physical exercise knowing that you will feel better once the exercise is over.

When Destination Becomes an Unhealthy Focus
The destination becomes an unhealthy focus when you make your happiness contingent on future success. For example, “I will be happy when…” (a) I get a promotion (b) I graduate school (c) I find a partner (d) I lose 10 lbs. If you make your current happiness contingent on future success, then you will miss the opportunity to enjoy the present. The future is an illusion because it has not happened yet. If you are going to focus on the future, it should be about enriching the present. Looking forward to a vacation you have planned is a way of enjoying the present moment because you can derive pleasure from thinking about it in the present.

It is the Journey, but the Destination has its place in the present
Life is the journey, but there are times when the journey is a struggle and reminding ourselves that pleasure, relaxation, and relief is around the corner can help alleviate suffering in the present.  

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Control Fallacies

8/27/2019

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How your false idea about control may be damaging to you
By: Eric Kruse
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What are Control Fallacies?
Control Fallacies are when you have a false belief about having too much control over things that are out of your control or when you believe that you have no control over anything in your life.  There are two types of control fallacies: (1) the belief that you have no control over your life and that you are a helpless victim of fate, and (2) that you have complete control over yourself, your surroundings, and the feelings of others.

The World is Against Me
The no control fallacy can lead to feelings of helplessness and low motivation. If you feel like the world is against you and there is nothing you can do about it, then you may be falling into the no control fallacy trap. Even in extreme situations where you may have no choices, you still have a certain amount of control over how you approach the situation mentally.

Everything is My Fault
The complete control fallacy can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, and shame. The more you try to control things that are out of your control, the more frustrated and disappointed you will be. If you frequently blame yourself for how others are feelings, then you may be falling into the complete control fallacy trap.

How to Release Yourself from the Control Fallacy Trap
The first step to releasing yourself from the control fallacy trap is to identify which of the two traps you are stuck in. Do you feel like the world is against you or do you blame yourself for the emotions of others?

Empower Yourself by Taking Back Some Control (no control counter)
If you are stuck in the no control fallacy trap, it can be empowering to discover that you have more control than you think you do. For example, in states where euthanasia is legal, patients with terminal illness report that being able to choose when and how they die gives them a sense of control over the final stage of their life. If you are stuck in a job that you don’t like and you can’t afford to leave, there may be other areas of your life that you can tweak to improve self-care. At the very least you can reframe some of your negative thoughts into more self-compassionate thoughts.

Find Relief by Letting Go (complete control counter)
If you are stuck in the complete control fallacy trap, it’s relieving to discover that you are not responsible for the emotions of others. Yes, what you do and what you say does impact others. It’s commendable to take responsibility for that. If you are in the complete control fallacy trap, then you are taking too much responsibility for things that are out of your control. Let others be responsible for themselves. Stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault. Stop trying to change things that you cannot change. If you are struggling with identifying what is in your control vs not in your control, it can be helpful to get feedback from others. As the saying goes: “Two heads are better than one.”

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Learning How to Ask for Help

8/27/2019

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By: Ranjita Rao
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How many times have you been overwhelmed with a million different things going on at once? And in these scenarios, how many times have you actually asked others for help?
 
This situation most likely happens more than you would like to admit. I hear all the time from individuals how much they would like to ask for help and yet how hard it is for them to actually do it. Maybe it’s because you are worried about being a burden, maybe you see it as a sign of weakness, or maybe it’s simply because you struggle with how to ask for help. Here are some tips to make asking for help much easier!

  1. Take a pause and reflect. If someone offers to help, they most likely are genuinely offering. Before automatically saying no, take a pause, check in, and ask yourself if you will benefit from their help. Before saying yes, think about specific way(s) that they will be able to help you so that you can let them know.
  2. Make a list. Create a list of everything you need to have done. Writing down a list can not only help you clearly see everything that needs to get done, but can also be a way for you to assign and delegate tasks to others.
  3. Be direct. Once you have assigned a task, call or talk to that person and be very direct with what you need. Even if that person cannot help this time around, do not be discouraged.
  4. Practice, practice, practice! Learning to ask for help is a new muscle that you will be building, so allow yourself some time to keep practicing. Not only will you benefit from this, but your friends and family who are eager to help you will also be happy that you are finally taking them up on their offers!

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Three States of Mind

8/22/2019

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By: Katrin Steinert
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One of the skills presented in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is called the states of mind. The states of mind are broken up into a Venn diagram which include the rational mind, the emotional mind and the wise mind. As people, we are always vacillating between the three different states. 
 
Rational Mind: When we are thinking in our rational mind we are thinking logically, unemotionally, and trying to reach our objectives. If we were to think of rational mind as a color it would be blue. It is cool, calm and collected. The benefits of being in rational mind are it is our "doing" mind. Without rational mind, we would not be able build roads, solve problems or complete tasks. The downsides to rational mind are it is harder to connect with others and unable to feel emotions including joy.  
 
Emotional Mind: Emotional mind is our instinct. Emotion mind helps us think instinctually and follow our gut. You feel your emotion mind taking over when our emotions are ruling our actions. If emotion mind were a color it would red. It is hot, fiery and impulsive. The benefits to emotion mind are intense devotion, which keeps motivation for hard tasks. The downsides to emotion mind are it can lead to emotional outbursts, prolonged suffering of intense emotions and impulsivity that results in wrong decisions. 
 
Wise Mind: Wise mind is the synthesis between the rational mind and the emotional mind. You cannot overcome rational mind with emotional mind and vice versa. The goal with wise mind is to recognize the facts with the rational mind and validate the emotional experience with emotion mind to come up with the best solution.
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Mind Reading

8/13/2019

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By: Eric Kruse
How this Cognitive Distortion could be Negatively Impacting your Relationship
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What it is…
Mind Reading is when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling before they express it to you. It’s when you stop listening to your partner because you assume you know how their statement will end. It’s when you cut them off and finish their sentence for them because you assume you know what they are going to say.

Why it is a problem…
Mind Reading is a problem because it makes your partner feel like what they have to say it not important to you. Even if your assumption or prediction is correct, you still need to let them communicate it to you. Part of processing thoughts and feelings is formulating sentences without having someone else do it for you. Your role is to actively listen to what they are saying, especially because they may share something that you were not expecting or predicting. Maybe they are taking responsibility for their role in a recent argument rather than blaming you like they have done in the past.

What to do instead…
Instead of Mind Reading, try active listening. Face your partner and make eye contact. Listen without judging or jumping to conclusions. Stay focused. Don’t start planning what to say next. Don’t interrupt or assume that you know what they are thinking or feeling. Actively engage in the process of listening.
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  • Home
  • Playa Vista Therapists
    • Rachel Thomasian, LMFT
    • Valentina Setteducate, LMFT
    • Ranjita Rao, LMFT
    • Katrin Steinert
    • Stella Michon
    • Kayla Robbins
  • Therapy Services
    • Services and Fees
    • Adult Psychotherapy
    • Couples Counseling
    • Therapy for Anxiety
    • Teen Therapy
    • EMDR
  • Blog
  • Contact