Blog

By: Katrin Steinert

One of the skills presented in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is called the states of mind. The states of mind are broken up into a Venn diagram which include the rational mind, the emotional mind and the wise mind. As people, we are always vacillating between the three different states. 
 
Rational Mind: When we are thinking in our rational mind we are thinking logically, unemotionally, and trying to reach our objectives. If we were to think of rational mind as a color it would be blue. It is cool, calm and collected. The benefits of being in rational mind are it is our "doing" mind. Without rational mind, we would not be able build roads, solve problems or complete tasks. The downsides to rational mind are it is harder to connect with others and unable to feel emotions including joy.  
 
Emotional Mind: Emotional mind is our instinct. Emotion mind helps us think instinctually and follow our gut. You feel your emotion mind taking over when our emotions are ruling our actions. If emotion mind were a color it would red. It is hot, fiery and impulsive. The benefits to emotion mind are intense devotion, which keeps motivation for hard tasks. The downsides to emotion mind are it can lead to emotional outbursts, prolonged suffering of intense emotions and impulsivity that results in wrong decisions. 
 
Wise Mind: Wise mind is the synthesis between the rational mind and the emotional mind. You cannot overcome rational mind with emotional mind and vice versa. The goal with wise mind is to recognize the facts with the rational mind and validate the emotional experience with emotion mind to come up with the best solution.

By: Eric Kruse

What it is…
Mind Reading is when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling before they express it to you. It’s when you stop listening to your partner because you assume you know how their statement will end. It’s when you cut them off and finish their sentence for them because you assume you know what they are going to say.

Why it is a problem…
Mind Reading is a problem because it makes your partner feel like what they have to say it not important to you. Even if your assumption or prediction is correct, you still need to let them communicate it to you. Part of processing thoughts and feelings is formulating sentences without having someone else do it for you. Your role is to actively listen to what they are saying, especially because they may share something that you were not expecting or predicting. Maybe they are taking responsibility for their role in a recent argument rather than blaming you like they have done in the past.

What to do instead…
Instead of Mind Reading, try active listening. Face your partner and make eye contact. Listen without judging or jumping to conclusions. Stay focused. Don’t start planning what to say next. Don’t interrupt or assume that you know what they are thinking or feeling. Actively engage in the process of listening.

By: Ranjita Rao

Change does not occur by doing nothing. Often, we believe that if they wait for change, it will eventually occur. As much as we want to believe that change can occur magically, oftentimes we need to actually be proactive in the changes we make. It may seem daunting, but if we break it down, it can become a lot more manageable. Look at areas in your life that you would like to improve, and set micro-goals for yourself. Little actions can not only change the way you feel day-to-day, but can gradually help make bigger changes in your life.
 
Be realistic about your goals. While micro- goals can help build toward bigger goals, it’s important that we be realistic about them. When setting goals, be sure to set goals that can actually be achieved. After you have a realistic goal for yourself, be sure to break it down into smaller more achievable goals to fit into your timeline. Not only will this feel less stressful for you, but will also create feelings of success every time you achieve your micro-goals, leading so more daily satisfaction.

By: Eric Kruse

Why You Should Avoid Them
&
How They are Damaging Your Relationships

What are Negative Interpretations?
A negative interpretation is when you or someone else (particularly your partner) consistently believes the motives of the other are more negative than they actually are. For example, if your partner forgets to take out the trash and you interpret this behavior as intentionally malicious or selfish on their part. Or if you are late to meet up with someone (maybe traffic was bad or maybe you struggle with compulsively making sure all the doors are locked before you leave) and they interpret your lateness as an intentional choice on your part to disrespect them and they time they have put into scheduling a meetup with you.

Give People You Love the Benefit of the Doubt
Often, there is a rational explanation for why the people you love do the things they do that frustrate you, and usually these reasons are not intentionally malicious or negative. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt goes both ways and there are ample opportunities throughout every interaction to see the perspective of your loved one.

For example, let’s say you are late to meet up with your loved one because your anxiety causes you to compulsively make sure everything in your home was secure before you left. You arrive late and your loved one is frustrated and angry with you. Your loved one makes a negative interpretation of your behavior and says, “you are inconsiderate, selfish, and lazy.”

You notice this triggers an emotional response inside of you that in turn gives rise to your own negative interpretation of your loved one’s verbal criticism. Your think to yourself, “my loved one is an aggressive jerk and is incapable of understanding the struggles of others” (negative interpretation). You now have a choice: (1) to match your loved one’s negative interpretation  with your own negative interpretation (an eye for an eye) or (2) think about a rational explanation for why your loved one is behaving in that way, read in-between the lines of what they are communicating, and validate how they are feeling. Maybe your loved one has past issues with people letting them down and not following through with what they said they would do. Maybe your tardiness has triggered that issue for them. Maybe they need you to understand that about them.

Of course, you also need them to understand that your anxiety contributed to why you were late, that you are not a selfish, inconsiderate, and lazy person. You can communicate that need to them once they calm down and feel validated that you understand them.

Be Mindful of When Negative Interpretations are Entering Your Thoughts
Negative interpretations are pervasive in our society. It’s easier to villainize others for their behavior than it is to understand why they do what they do. It takes extra work and thoughtfulness on your part to come up with rational explanations for why people do things. This is especially important with your significant other, but it extends to relationships with family and friends as well. The more effort you put into understanding why your loved one does what they do, the more empathy you can have for their process, and the more you show them that you understand and accept them for it, the closer your bond will be.

By: Katrin Steinert

Most of us spend more than half of our lives working. There is a lot of pressure to find the right career path, to become successful and create our perfect working environment. With all these pressures can create a pressure cooker of balancing the perfect job with the perfect after work life. Here are three tips on how to reduce burn out when you are feeling overwhelmed at work.
 

1. Reflect on what is stressing you out most at work: When getting caught up in your work load, it can be hard to recognize what the actual stressors are. Review the stressors with your superiors to create a plan to make them more manageable. 
2. Stick to what is in your job description: It is easy to take on extra work when trying to establish yourself in your career. However, there is room to say no in order to maintain your sanity. By reviewing your workload, cut out any extra tasks that you are not responsible for. 
3. Boundaries: In today's world it is easy to bring work home with us. We all have access to our emails, calls and texts 24/7. By consciously creating boundaries between work and home will reduce burn out by giving you a breather. By not being connected at all times, it will create space to decompress. 
   

By: Eric Kruse

A common question that I get asked is “how do I stop my negative thoughts? I can’t control it.” My answer: your negative thoughts are a reflex. You may not be able to control it, but you do have control over the thoughts that follow. Its like when you go to the doctor and they check your reflexes by whacking your knee with that tool that resembles a mini rubber tomahawk. The muscle contracts and the leg kicks involuntarily. However, you can voluntarily pull your leg back after. The involuntary movement is the equivalent of your negative thought and the voluntarily movement is your positive reframe. 

Positive Reframes Don’t Work for Me!
When I teach people how to use positive reframes, I get met with some resistance. A typical response I hear is “that does not work for me. I have tried it.” Well, how long did you try it? Did you do it a few times and then give up? Because that does not work. It is a daily practice. Every time you feed your negative thoughts by choosing not to combat them with positive reframes, you strengthen your negative self-talk. If you have been doing this your entire life, then of course trying positive reframes for a day is not going to alleviate the problem. In addition, not believing your positive reframes is another form of feeding your negative thoughts. “This is stupid. This wont work for me. Life is crappy. I will never amount to anything. I am crappy.” You need to actively combat those negative thoughts with positive self-talk whenever you are aware it is happening.

That Sounds Exhausting!
It is exhausting. It’s a lot of work. It’s an active and ongoing practice until you notice a reduction in you negative self-talk. If you let your negative self-talk go unchecked, it will grow and fester inside you. The symptoms you will experience as a result will wreak havoc on your mind and body. It will take more from you than the effort it takes to develop a self-compassionate narrative. Self-compassion and positive self-talk do not have a be hokey or noticeably contrived. As a matter of fact, it should be believable and realistic.

Make your Positive Self-Talk Realistic!
Your positive self-talk should be realistic and believable, especially to you! For example, it should not be, “I am the greatest person alive.” It should be more like, “I am imperfect, but I am worthy of love and belonging.” You can thank Brené Brown for that self-compassionate quote. Using positive self-talk does not mean ignoring your failures, shortcomings, and faults. It means accepting them and not beating your self up about it. For example, “I am an ugly failure, I will never get anything right, and no one will ever love me,” is the type of negative self-talk that you replace with “I am imperfect, but I am worthy of love and belonging.”

If you are the type of person who beats yourself up daily, then you will have to work extra hard to be self-compassionate in a realistic way. You will have to make it a daily practice!

By: Ranjita Rao

Breathing. We do it all day, every day, and have done so since we first entered this world.  Take a deep breath—pause—and exhale.  As you drew your breath in, you supplied much needed oxygen to your body and organs, and as you pushed it out, you removed waste products and toxins from within.  In fact, around 70% of our toxins are released from our body through our breath. Yet breathing is something that we hardly ever think twice about.
 
The connection between breath and our mind runs even deeper. Have you ever noticed that when you are anxious or upset, your breath becomes short and quick?  By taking a deep breath, you actually cause your heart rate to slow down, creating feelings of calmness and relaxation.
 
Paying attention to your breathing can help you tap into your emotions and gain an understanding about your triggers.  Pay particular attention to signs of “bad” breathing such as:

• Taking quick, shallow breaths
• Holding your breath at times
• Constantly feeling a need to take a deep breath
• Feeling like you have run out of breath

 
When you feel yourself doing any of these things, pause, slow down, and take a few deep breaths.  Pay attention to how you feel and remember it the next time you notice yourself exhibiting patterns of “bad” breathing.
 
Practicing deep breathing can have several beneficial effects including:

• Increasing energy
  
• Improving the respiratory system by releasing tension in the diaphragm
  
• Activating the parasympathetic nervous system to help bring you into a relaxed state
  
• Strengthening the lymphatic system
  
• Releasing muscle tension
  
• Improving the cardiovascular system
  
• Elevating the digestive system
  

By: Eric Kruse

The narrative that you have about our life has a direct impact on how you feel and how you behave. For example, if you walk around telling yourself that your life is pointless, then you may feel unmotivated, discouraged, or depressed. If you believe drugs and alcohol are performance enhancers, you are more likely to abuse those substances. Addicts have some of the most creative narratives that maintain their addictive behaviors.

What is the story that you tell yourself about your own life? The challenge is to create a narrative that inspires you and is realistic and rational. My suggestion is to write down your story, to be the author of your own life. Here are some questions that you can start asking yourself to help you get started:

Writing your own story probably sounds like a lot of work. You may notice some resistance or you may think it’s a good idea, but you procrastinate actually doing it. As someone who has written his own story hundreds of times in his life, I can tell you that each time you do it, you learn something new about yourself. It’s an amazing experience. It will directly impact how you view your place in the world. If you notice a strong negative theme in your story, a good step is to get support from others or from a therapist. They can help you put a positive spin on a thin narrative that may be oppressively be keeping you down.

By: Ranjita Rao

In therapy sessions, I have often heard many teenagers say something along these lines—“My parents don’t get it. They told me to just suck it up and get over it”. While the intentions may be good and these parents believe that they are helping these teens deal with the realities of life, these teens end up not feeling truly heard. Validating your child’s feeling can oftentimes be an extremely powerful and positive experience for both you and your child.

For example, if your child comes to you and tells you he/she got into an argument with their friend at school, you may want to say something like “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll blow over by tomorrow”, but first, take a pause and reflect on what your child just told you and how they are feeling. Changing the language to something more like “Oh my goodness, I understand how awful this must be for you, would you like to talk more about it?” will let your child know that you are actually listening to what they are saying and that you understand just how painful this is for them and are interested in talking to them more about the subject if they need. This language allows you to come from a “judgment free” space, and will open up an avenue for better communication. When your child feels that you do not understand their feelings, it becomes less likely that they will open up and delve into deeper conversation.

Next time your child comes to you and shares something personal, give this a try—you will probably be amazed at what conversations could open up for the two of you and the trust that is built in the process.

By: Katrin Steinert

There are many hurdles and hardships that the LGBTQ community face. Internalized homophobia is defined as the involuntary belief by gay people that the misconceptions, myths, and stereotypes about being gay are true. Internalized homophobia can be subtle, for example a gay man may act very masculine to hide the fact that they are gay. Another way internalized homophobia may manifest in a LGBTQ person may be discomfort in socializing with others in the community for fear of being “outed.” The idea would be to pass as a straight person to avoid criticism or discomfort they feel for being a part of the community.

The anxiety and shame of not accepting who you are may cause some interpersonal issues. By internalizing the negative stereotypes in the context of intimate relationships one is likely to decrease the quality of satisfaction in relationships. To avoid negative feelings about self, one may avoid deep or intimate relationships. Internalized homophobia can be deep rooted and may take a long time to reverse. With the help of allies and support from all communities there is hope that one day internalized homophobia will a concept of the past.