Playa Vista Counseling - Blog

Practice Gratitude, Not Guilt

5/25/2020

By: Stella Michon

As we navigate the effects of a global pandemic, I have been recommending my clients connect with a gratitude practice to maintain emotional well-being. Gratitude has an incredible way of grounding us; reminding us of our deeper values and essential needs. It helps us connect with our optimism and see the best in our community and in ourselves.

It’s natural to take pause in crisis to reflect on our blessings, but a word of caution about gratitude. Gratitude is not guilt. Pausing to take stock of what you appreciate should not become an opportunity to experience guilt or shame about how you have no reason to struggle. Thoughts like, “I shouldn’t complain”, “I don’t deserve to worry”, “I know this is stupid...but”. This form of comparison thinking can be detrimental to your mental health. In what ways are these thoughts mobilizing you to help yourself or others? How are they allowing you to be kinder to yourself or your larger community? My guess is they aren’t. Can you instead hold the understanding that you may have benefits in this moment; but you also have challenges?

This isn’t an excuse to turn away from the reality of hardship in others lives or deny your privilege; this is a way of holding space for the complexity of this experience. Others can be challenged with more hardship than you, but your sets of challenges are still important to recognize. Honoring your personal struggles, giving permission for sadness and grief to appear, will move you through this moment more gracefully than denying yourself the opportunity to feel. This is hard. This is scary. And yes- others may have it worse. But your experience of struggle needs space so that you can return to days where you feel hopeful and regain the ability give support to someone is need.

Managing Your Mental Health During The COVID-19 Pandemic

3/24/2020

by Rachel Thomasian

The past few weeks have been difficult and trying for all of us. While we're all working to manage our physical health, I'm here to offer some tips to help manage mental health. We're all living under circumstances prime for increased anxiety and depression.

Remember this is temporary
Like everything else, this moment is temporary. Come back to this mantra when you feel overwhelmed by the largeness of this moment. It doesn't help that we can't quite see an end in sight yet, what we do know is that there will be an end.

Limit access to news
Watching news is not conducive for mental health in normal circumstances, and this situation only makes it worse. Getting stuck in the news cycle can make it hard to escape any anxiety you're feeling about the situation. Limit your news intake to about 30 minutes per day and stick to print media over TV or social media.

Take it one day at a time
When I think about having to stay home and away from my loved ones for another month or more, feelings of hopelessness quickly arise in me. It's just too much to make sense of. But I know that I can get through this day, and I'll worry about tomorrow when the sun rises on it. Take this one day at a time and you've got a better chance at decreasing anxiety and depression.

Help someone in need
Studies show that we feel better when we're able to help others. Whether you donate money to a local food bank or help an elderly neighbor purchase groceries, find some way you can be helpful in your community. Being able to help someone else, no matter how small the gesture, helps us feel a little more in control of this world where we may feel so little of it right now, and just makes us feel good all around.

Feel your feelings
You might feel pressure to try to stay happy right now, but that's hard to do when you have so many other big feelings competing for your attention. It's okay to feel any of our feelings and ignoring them actually make them worse. It's okay to feel angry, sad and fearful. Make some time to feel and journal about them and they won't feel as powerful.

Maintain your physical health
Our physical and mental health go hand in hand. Staying indoors and eating pantry staples is not really best practice for either. Make some time to move around, go for a walk and make nutritious food choices as much as possible.

Keep in touch with family and friends
This level of isolation is difficult even for introverts. Use technology to your advantage as much as possible. Phone or video chat with family and friends to help you maintain some level of connectedness when we're all forced to distance.

Check in with a therapist
Now, more than ever, our mental health is going to be effected by the climate around us. Every aspect of life is counter-indicated for a healthy state of mind. Most therapists are offering telehealth sessions over phone or secure video conference tools to offer help. They can help manage your feelings of depression or anxiety with tried and true techniques. At Playa Vista Counseling, our therapists have recently completed courses to stay compliant on HIPAA regulations of telehealth as well as trainings to help clients through a pandemic. We're happy to offer a complimentary consultation to discuss how we can help.

The Iceberg of Conflict

2/21/2020

By: Stella Michon

Most couples walk into therapy hoping to minimize or eliminate conflict. They don’t know why they are getting into fights about seemingly worthless topics, or why these fights can become so explosive. So what causes our perpetual patterns of conflict with our partners? Why do you we keep getting in the same fight about trivial things? And how come the small daily bickering can bring up big emotions?

One of the key concepts I explain is that conflict is like an iceberg. There is a small portion of the conflict that is visible; above the water, the part that pertains to what we are fighting about in that moment. Beneath this there is a much bigger force influencing the conflict that remains unseen and unaddressed. Things like our unmet or unexpressed needs in the relationship, our family history and personal triggers, or building resentment towards our partner all compose this larger piece. In other words, couples aren’t just fighting about the dirty dishes. Couples are in conflict as a way to get the underwater problems addressed, or their desired needs met.

When we make the mistake of just focusing on the surface conflict, we miss the potential to create a greater understanding and emotional connection with our partners. In order to shift this I encourage clients to begin to check in with their emotional states, locate their most valued needs in their relationship, and notice the moments of conflict when they might be longing to express something deeper.

Reframing Resolutions

1/23/2020

By Stella Michon

As we step into the New Year we start thinking about big plans and resolutions, but how often do we actually employ change in the long term? And how helpful is the idea of a “resolution” in order to spark growth?

By now most of us know that the promises we make ourselves usually fall off the radar within the first month of the New Year. At this point, most of my clients have forgotten their initial intentions to change and find they are falling back into old patterns. There are a few issues with “resolutions” that can hold people back from meaningful changes.

Firstly, New Years resolutions have been socially characterized as making big changes. Most of the goals we set don’t feel tangible and require a total lifestyle overhaul. I suggest focusing on small more realistic goals instead.

I have also noticed that resolutions become an opportunity for self-reflection through an overly critical lens. There is little to no emphasis on our strengths and how we managed to navigate our year, even if it was a hard or disappointing one. Trying to find motivation after looking at your weaknesses is tricky. Instead, I often pose questions like, what from the last year would like to bring forward into the next year? What have you been doing right? What do you want more of that you’ve already managed to invite into your life?

Finally, most culturally encouraged resolutions surround external change. Loosing weight, getting a new job, finding a new hobby etc. Although some of these might be important to us, they don’t reflect the internal growth that can often hold more meaning. These external resolutions send the message that the new hobby or weight loss will create the fulfillment we are searching for. I challenge my clients to consider focusing on mindset work as a deeper and more sustainable way to achieve happiness. Making simple changes to our internal dialogue- catching ourselves in negative self-talk, setting healthier boundaries, learning to rely on internal validation vs. external validation are all examples of how to start this process.

Turning the Mind

12/17/2019

By: Katrin Steinert

It is human nature to want to avoid painful emotional situations and turn towards comfort. Avoiding pain can become automatic and in emotional situations it can be easy to seek comfort in maladaptive behaviors. Accepting painful psychological moments can become mentally taxing and become a big commitment. Turning the mind is a conscious decision to accept the reality of the situation and cope accordingly so it does not turn into denial. Turning the mind requires the act of choice, it is like hitting a fork in the road. The decision to accept is one that takes an inner commitment. The commitment does not mean acceptance has to happen first; it just means the road towards acceptance is the choice that has been made. To the turn the mind means the commitment must be made over and over again. The commitment must be conscious and consistent in order for the wave of pain to dissipate. Some examples of when to use turn the mind is when you are between a rock and a hard place. To choose the more effective choice can be very difficult when the maladaptive choice is the more comfortable choice. The maladaptive choice could be impulsive, not aligned with overall goals or can cause more suffering in the long run. The choice to reduce suffering can be a difficult one, which is why the commitment to acceptance is crucial.

Anti-Diet Wellness for the Holiday Season

12/17/2019

By: Stella Michon

Most of the festivities we enjoy during the holidays surround family, friends and above all else-food. Spending time cooking and sharing traditions with loved ones is a beautiful way to connect, but can be stressful to those who struggle with their relationships to food and body image. Challenging family dynamics, travel stressors and the pressure to eat big meals are just a few factors that make this time period particularly triggering.

Below are a few ways to encourage a peaceful relationship with food for the rest of the Holiday season.

Be aware of diet culture: Messages like “new year, new you”, “eat healthy during the holidays without sacrificing fitness goals“, and advice on how to” make up for”/ “reset” after eating throughout the holidays can have damaging effects on those who struggle with food. These messages often convince us that the way to achieve happiness and fulfillment is through changing and shrinking our bodies. I urge my clients to challenge these ideas and search for joy through self-acceptance and trust in your body.

Clear boundary setting: Put a stop to others comments about your food or body. Remarks like, “ do you really need more?” “Have you lost/gained weight?” “What about trying ___” or listening to loved ones discussing their diet plans can make your holiday food experience anxiety provoking. I suggest that clients come up with a simple script each time they encounter this issue. You can practice kindly explaining to others that diet and calories are not topics you want to discuss or try requesting to change the subject.

Create like-minded community: Perhaps you have a friend of safe person who is also working on making peace with food- can they attend holiday events with you? If not, are you in touch with a community of people who are on the same journey? I suggest starting by checking out accounts like @trustyourbodyproject, @chr1styharrison, and the @intuitive_rd to start this community online.

Change the focus of your health goals: You can still prioritize health and well being without traditional diet and fitness goals. For example, consider reframing your goals from weight loss or body changes to increasing strength and aiding in stress relief and sleep. The goal here is to step into food choices and exercise from a place of self-love instead of self-loathing for a more restorative and compassionate experience.

Self-Acceptance

11/19/2019

By: Stella Michon

Self-Acceptance

When I am working with clients, self-acceptance is one thing I always want to teach them. Regardless of the primary issue they walk into therapy with, I want them to learn to like themselves …because no matter where you go; there you are.

Self-acceptance is key to growth, fulfilling relationships, and self-esteem. It unlocks our ability to face our struggle head on and reach our individual goals. True self-acceptance is not about turning your back on the challenges you face but about compassionately turning toward the parts of yourself that you want to improve. This is very different than the “tough love” approach I hear so many clients refer to in therapy. The idea that if you beat yourself up about something enough you will find the motivation to change it will only lead to more negative self-perception and suffering.

Below find 4 practices to welcome more self-acceptance into your daily life.

Challenge “Shoulds”
In a commercial culture that is often trying to convince us that we need to be more or better than the current version of ourselves, it can be easy to forget what we actually want. I encourage all of my clients to notice the “shoulds” that implicitly put pressure on us. Messages such as “you should establish a career by 25”, “you should start a family by 30 (or at all)”, etc. Instead, focus on developing the path that feels authentic to you and aligns with your values.

Accept imperfections
Perfectionism is the secret killer to success. It stops us from being present in our own growth and convinces us that we aren’t good enough. Try to notice when you are engaging in comparison thinking and challenge it by honing in on the parts of yourself you are proud of. Move past the notion that you will be happy if you reach the ideal in all areas of life.

Reframe “failure”
Mistakes are a beautiful opportunity for growth. Practice self-forgiveness and think of how your “failure” re-defines how you want to move forward.

Activity: Voice of Confidence Journaling
Draw a line down a sheet of paper creating two columns. In the left column, name your self-critical inner voice. This can be anything you want. I have clients call it “mean girl”, “negative Nancy”, “inner bully” or simply the “self critic”. In the right column, name your voice of inner confidence. For each message of negative self talk, provide an example of how the voice of inner confidence would challenge these messages.

Gratitude for Thanksgiving

11/19/2019

By: Katrin Steinert

Holidays can become a stressful time when we include families, friends, traditions, traveling, and unspoken dynamics. Thanksgiving can be a time for gratitude and reflect on what positive intentions can be set for the rest of the year. Here are a few ways to explore gratitude and positive intentions during the Thanksgiving holiday:

Affirmations: Create a new affirmation that is spoken every day in order to create gratitude and appreciation for one-self.

Reflection: Mentally reflecting on what the past year has brought, the wish for what the new season will bring and ways to achieve the goals will help shed light on what you are grateful for.

Meditation: Meditation can help you focus the mind and be present. Being present helps you be one mindful which allow space to invite what you are most grateful for. It blocks out all the noise and focus the mind on what is important.

Shame Vs. Guilt

11/5/2019

By: Stella Michon

How to tell the difference so you can move towards more self-esteem

Shame and guilt often get used synonymously as we talk about our struggles. Although both shame and guilt have the potential to be destructive in people’s lives, drawing the distinction between them can be a powerful tool to move past self-deprecation and into self worth.

So, how can you spot the difference and why is it so important?

Guilt: Brené Brown defines guilt as “I did something bad”. She explains that “Guilt is a focus on behavior”, it allows us to reflect upon our actions so we can move forward in alignment with our values. Making mistakes that result in guilt provides the opportunity to check in and make different choices in the future.

The key with guilt is that it often involves something we have the ability to change. For example, if I tell a lie to a loved one when I am committed to the value of honesty, I feel pretty crummy as a result (guilt). In this situation there is something I can do! I can go back to this person and make a repair. There is a step I can take.

Esteemed psychotherapist, Esther Perel, provides another way to understand guilt. She states, “Guilt is conscious” and “Shame is hiding”. It is important to stay connected to our inner voice that guides us towards right/wrong. I often explain to clients that guilt might sound like the internal voice that says, “That doesn’t feel like me”, “I think I can do better next time”.

Shame: Brené defines shame, as “I am something bad”. Shame is the belief that something is deeply wrong or inherently bad within you. It’s the belief that something that’s part of your essence is flawed. It is toxic and leads people deeper into symptoms of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Shame often develops from the cultural, societal, historical and familial systems we exist within. Dominant discourses around how we “should” lead our lives, or what makes us worthy of love and acceptance. These messages get reinforced with media portrayals of beauty, success, sexual and gender identity, love and partnership, etc.

The problem with shame is that it often isn’t something we have the ability to change while remaining authentic to ourselves. This issue comes up with many of my clients who struggle with self-esteem regarding physical appearance, beauty or body image. For example, if I see countless images of thin and photo-shopped models promoting diet products, I can feel crappy (shame). I can feel like my body and appearance is bad or not good enough. In this situation there isn’t much we can do (or should feel expected to do) in order to change our appearance. Although there are steps we can take to make these changes, they don’t often lead to a decrease in shame over time. Your body and appearance are good enough and worthy of appreciation as is.

Put it into practice: How to start checking in with your value system and stop shame from eroding your sense of self-worth.

When you are experiencing an emotion that feels like it could be shame OR guilt try to see where guilt ends and shame begins.
Step 1: Make a list of the top 5-10 values that are important to you. I recommend looking up Brené Browns list of values if you are having trouble.
Step 2: Are you feeling guilt based on an action or choice you made? Does this feel out of alignment with the value list you made? If not, this may be a sign that shame is present.
Step 3: If it’s guilt: how can you learn from your choice? Go make a repair with someone, move forward with a new understanding, or journal about the incident that brought you here.
If it’s shame: practice self-acceptance and gratitude. Is there a small part of yourself that you can hold appreciation around? Think of how would you talk to your best friend in this moment and do the same for yourself.

IMPROVE the Moment

10/22/2019

By: Katrin Steinert

“When life throws you lemons make lemonade” but how do we do that? A lot of our instincts when something does not go correctly is to react impulsively with strong emotions. Some situations require us to react emotionally and some require more of our rational brain. In order to help calm our emotional reactions we can employ a skill called IMPROVE.

Imagery: Transports your mind to a space that makes you feel calm and serene. Visualize imagery that helps soothe your sense and relaxes your muscle’s. Some examples could be your favorite childhood space, beach or even your own room.

Meaning: Find meaning in a distressing situation can help shift the perspective. By tapping into your values, it will help see the silver lining in a situation that may otherwise feel meaningless.

Prayer: Prayer does not have to have a religious connotation. The meaning of prayer is connecting with something that is greater than yourself. By focusing on a mantra, image or song can create a sense of peace in the moment.

Relaxation: Focusing on relaxing the tension in muscles can reduce the pressure build of distress. By reducing the tension in your muscles will help elevate emotional pain.

One thing at a time: Being mindful is focusing on one task or thought at a time. This can be a powerful tool to slow down the thoughts and worries that are popping up. By letting go of the future worry will allow space to focus on the moment.

Vacation: Vacation does not mean take an actual trip. A vacation is a brief respite from the monotony of daily life. An example of a vacation can be taking a different walking route, meeting friends or exploring a new part the city you live in.

Encouragement: Words are very powerful and that includes the words we tell ourselves. By practicing positive self-talk and self-encouragement can help give us the boost we need to take a distressing moment.